Refusing a chair

When I first was getting diagnosed with MS in 2006, just after starting my first job after college, I was perhaps too open with what I was going through.  I'll probably never forget the reaction of one of my co-workers when I announced the diagnosis, 'Oh, I'm sorry you'll be in a wheel chair.'  My grandmother had MS, SHE wasn't in a wheel chair except when we toured Washington, D.C. - WHAT?!  No way am I going to need a 'chair'!!

And then, I decided to have my sweet baby boy in 2010 and everything fell apart with my hips and I went from using my cane outside the house and not at all inside to needed a walker everywhere.  I got a powerchair because I couldn't move anything with the walker (laundry, dishes, etc.) and had a baby on the way and would need it for him.

So, I learned how to drive in my new wheels without completely killing all of the walls, woodwork and furnature - and they all still bare the scars og my learning curve.  Then Cody was born, and I quickly learned I should keep a rag not only on my shoulder, but my chair too.

And he started to try and help me 'drive'

And I depended almost completely on the chair, not leaving the house too often and using a walker, Cody's stroller or somebody's (usually my husband's) arm and my cane to get around.  I was fortunate enough to have some great in-home physical and occupational therapists (PT and OT) come out to the house right after Cody was born too, to get me so that I could start living life more normally again and leave the house.  They typically worked with home bound elderly patients and coming out to work with me and the new baby seemed to bring them a lot of joy.

Last winter, as I wrote about some in my 'Muscle loss and gain' post, I drove the half hour into town and went to regular PT along with some aquatherapy and got a little stronger.  Just going in to town three days a week was therapeutic and strength building in itself!

I make it a point to not include any of my assistive devices in any photos, because I don't want the 'stuff' to be a part of me... and I guess having the assistive devices in photos permantly attaches them to me - in my mind.  But, the thought process that led to this post, I can use the devices to assist me while I need them, but I don't need to integrate them into myself like I have the last couple of years.  Problem is, yes, I'm free walking in the house and even a small amount outside more, but trying to walk one place and have the chair to help (assist) me to move whatever back gets complicated, i.e. to take a full basket of laundry down to the laundry room I need my chair, but I can walk back to the bed room carrying the empty basket, but I need the chair again to get the next full load down to the laundry room again.  So I end up in the chair and not using my legs like I should.

I firmly believe that the more you use an assistive device, the more you relie on it.  I know I am able bodied, but have, in my opinion, used my chair too much and have started to go to that first.  I don't want to be there.  I want to be able to go catch a horse, saddle him (or her) and ride out for a ride like I used to do (several hours) and still be able to dismount and untack my horse.  I *should have* gotten my walker to go out to take pictures of the new water hydrant...

...and the cats and horses.

But, I was already in my chair to take scraps to the cats and went out my front door, rather than the garage where I keep my walker.  Perhaps, I should do like someone (my mother?) suggested and just start using my wheeled walker inside too and mostly abandon my chair. 

One positive, all the horses are very 'chair boke' and Cherokee and his 'brother from a different mother', Patrick, followed me around the pasture when I went in to see what needs to be done this spring.  (wish I had the funds for a wagon and team harness and to get the two of them broke together - they're inseperable in the pasture!)

It was really nice to see that Cherokee, my painted pony I've been putting the most miles on, worked with me loose in the pasture, from my chair, just like he had a lead on and went with me everywhere and would come when he stopped and stood somewhere until I realized he wasn't with me and called him.  Gotta love my goofy little painted pony!

UPDATE: 12/5/12
     I went without my chair for nearly a week leading up to and over Thanksgiving.  I was able to do it, but the stress of not having my chair was, surprisingly, not just physically straining but also mentally, as I couldn't 'just go get' anything - including my son, who's now 2 and into everything.  I've gotten used to having to rely on people more often, though it's still not easy, but then you go for the holidays and add into the loss of independance the loss of your own time schedule, because, and rightly so, you have to wait for people to come assist you.  I think the next post on this will be 'accepting the chair', or something like that, as I sort things out a little better in my head.  Really, what's so bad about conserving energy to do what needs to be done or specific exercises, rather than walking across the room with no aids?