Loved

I'll start out why it's so strange for me to feel loved by a good number of people.  Funny thing, it really only comes down to a handful of people that got me feeling this way; suspicious, unworthy of others caring for me and rejected.  I moved to an entirely new state, and therefore a new 'culture' in a lot of ways, for a job.  The people at the job were very helpful and made me feel like they were friendly at least, if not cared about me, and even helped me some with the two, mainly one, person who had been filling in for the position and knowledge I was told was the main reason I was hired and, I believe, was feeling rejected themselves.  Anyway, to sum up what is making my back ache just thinking about, I got my diagnosis of ms and went from a very outgoing, active person to someone who was unsure of what my body would do and cautious enough to try for accommodations so I knew I could manage my body and not let anything slip in my job.  I was moved to a 'temporary part time position' (fired)... with my boss ultimately saying 'ms didn't fit the image'.  Then, that summer afterwards, I ran into a couple people who didn't understand me doing the same things and having 'limitations' (like horse show judges, I mean WHY would someone who should be in a therapeutic riding situation be trying to SHOW?!).

Why I was feeling so loved the other night:  I've made some very supportive friends who have been there for me this whole time (including at the before mentioned show....), and a few more have been showing their support more recently, but it really hit home on Wednesday.  I, naturally, have not been able to get out and ride very much since having Cody, and wasn't riding a lot before hand, what with being pregnant and all.  Needless to say, I am horribly out of shape and even out of practice for doing much (you wouldn't think it'd matter... but apparently it does!).  I had put a call out letting the people I was going to ride with know I was going to need help, since I hate the idea of just 'expecting' people to take care of me, lol, thinking back to me as a child... my mantra was, "I can do it myself".  Well, one of my longest 'trusted people' was going to be at the ride, and I was comforted by the fact I would only be 'troubling' one person.  She had an amazing opportunity come up, and, as I probably would have, took it.  Well, I knew some at the ride had offered their support before, so despite some worry on my husband's part, I went anyway... praying for God's help on the way to the state park.  He gave it, through all the wonderful people of the group I've been riding with and am friends with online.  Immediately, the leader of the group came over and asked it I needed help.  Now, I have proven I can saddle with my dressage saddle on my own, but knew I'd be more secure in my western saddle.  So, I timidly asked if she would saddle for me.  She did!  And her and another friend helped me with all of it - bushing, saddling and getting stuff out of the trailer.  So I then went and ate, since we were riding out soon.  Then I go to get on my horse.  Me being me, I don't disturb anyone and call people over, because 'I can do it myself'.  Yeah, well I'd sent the horse I'd brought with off to a trainer... ultimately like having them go learn a different language and you not speaking it.  Anyway, he didn't like my using his head for my walking aid, like I'd been doing the last several years, and pulled back.  I landed on my butt, disturbed people anyway because all those near came over, and everything just washed over me and I had tears rolling down my face.  (also a major dislike of mine, though unfortunately, I am getting more used to it because it also appears to go with the ms)  I got some assistance back up, we joked, I started laughing at the situation and everyone reassured me they were amazed by my not letting the ms get me down... and really, hadn't I JUST had a baby not that long ago.  So we rode.  Almost an hour into the ride, I know I'm getting tired and call it quits.  Had another friend, actually a couple, offer to go back to the trailer with me and help - I said I just needed one person to change their ride and help and the one friend and I headed back.  Goodness, I'd been having some trouble with my dismount, but after some active riding, it was NOT going to happen.  Ended up having to have her push my leg up over the cantle, but I finally got on the ground, safely.  THEN, she untacked my horse for me.

I don't know why I'm so amazed by the show of support and acceptance of my limitations, but I am.  Maybe it was this added on to the assistance I got from my 'show friend's husband when I went to the show last weekend without my husband (who is usually my 'stable boy', as he likes to call helping me).  Maybe it's from those early experiences of my ms either being ignored of rejected.  Maybe it was God.  What ever the reason, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of being loved and cared for as I started my drive home.  It's hard for me, because I know it is impossible for me to pay the kindnesses back completely... and I'm left here wondering how long I have lived feeling that I can't let people be more helpful to me than I can be for them.  I've often wondered what God's purpose for allowing me to get ms is, perhaps that is one of the reasons - to teach me it does not matter how much work I can do for others, or money I can give them, that I am valuable and loved just for being me.  And God HASN'T allowed me to loose everything, and I can still be useful... just not in the ways I used to be.